my nice little walls, skins, borders

2006/05/20 7:15pm, at home in the attic, W:

I want… the pain under my eyes, sinuses, to subside. I want the kids to go to sleep without a fight because I want my wife. I want to be able to become more aware. I want to be able to describe my desires right now in a more specific and less general way. I want to be able to quickly grade the stacks and stacks of 8th grade quizzes and tests about the Pythagorean Theory and Animal Farm. I want to be able to listen better. I want to write up the notes about the meeting we had today. I want to escape my desires, my body. I want labeling my desires to magically dissolve them. I want to find that I am not alone. I want to stop searching for my own desires – it is painful and scary. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I want to keep my nice little walls, skins, borders of the body that so carefully filter my desires.

It will probably take a long time before I can really, truly look deep into my desires. There are long-term and short-term and immediate desires. There are desires and there are fantasies. What kind of desires are we hoping to find in common here? Am I defining myself as desire, as lack? (I want to look back to Deleuze to see what he had to say about desire.) It’s kind of restrictive saying “I” want.

I imagine that D. wants dinner right about now. He is hungry, as he eats late. He’s had a long day and is tired from running around with his friend. He wishes his wife would understand this and comfort him.

S. desires a place where she could be surrounded by people who listen. S. wants a drink, but that makes her sleepy and it is really too early.

Sh. is like me, wishing her daughter would go to bed without a fuss so that she can actually spend time with her partner. She’s not even tired yet.