that sort of anonymous fog

2006/05/22 7:30-8:00am, in my car driving South along Sacramento Ave. to work, W:

I want to turn on the radio, but I resist as that fills my brain (prop-agenda). Instead I am trying to focus on the present, and on my desires. I want to focus on the present. I want the coffee to make me more aware. I want to be less sleepy, but the buildings pass by in a sort of blur. I want to find this trip riveting (there was a while when I could really see the city). I want to recapture the past. I want what never was I am sure. I want right now. Her hip-swinging walk. Way overdone, but it works.

Am I really desiring her? Some anonymous girl on the sidewalk with tight pants and a hip-swinging walk? It isn’t really fully formed, the thought. It lingers there – not as the idea of sex, of having sex, but rather as sexuality, that sort of anonymous fog.

There is a vacant corner lot. Nice odd shape. Could be a nice place to design a house. Except it is right next to the highway. Someday I wish I’ll get to actually put something nice up. Maybe on that lot there. Another fully odd corner lot. What about her? Not really that interesting. Why am I always looking? I mean, honestly, I’ve never even touched anyone else outside of my wife since we started going out 15 years ago. Never seriously considered it. And still there is that fog, not really sex, but sexuality. Is it desire? Some form of it, doubtless. I wish I actually had less of all of this work. I know once I get there I am going to be swamped once again with all that BS. I just want to stick with what’s important. I want no demands I guess.

There is that damn juvenile court, with its white shining walls and pure glass pyramid on the top. What a load of shit. What might I desire to do to that building. Tear the damn thing down. I’d love to watch it implode. Or maybe just paint it red, anything but that pure white, as if it were innocent.

You know, when I first look at that building, I just have this general feeling of distaste. It’s not like desire has taken on a form. It’s only when I start thinking consciously about it that it takes on a form. Instead, when I first look at it, it just has that fog around it. Then, as I start thinking, some thoughts pop in that might reasonably fit that fog. I think that is where propaganda could take hold. That is where one can strategically intervene in desire. It is by allowing easily pre-made routes, paths of least resistance, pre-formed desire vehicles that one can channel the energy of that initial emotional fog.