Okay 3rd glass of wine and maybe I can do this. I desire to not be intimidated by the fact that I do not know my Foucoult, Lacan, or Deleuze all that well. Lack– hmmm ooh baby yeah I lack alot and it probably has something to do with a bunch of dead brain cells. Best to do this as a stream of conscioussness don’t look back free write not care about judgement damn you all are so fucking smart. i desire not to feel stupid. I desire not to feel self-conscious about desiring about the fact that i am not interested in typing this out so that is makes grammatical, punctual sense therefore– stream of conscioussness, a stream without capitaliztions correct speelings and punctuations.
Desire brings up taboos– sex. I feel so not desiring of, of, … sex. I desire to not not desire. I desire to desire sex. But wait a minute i think i am content not desiring sex at least with my husband or anyone else for that matter. no really is that really honest? My chemistry is changing. My hormones. I remember being 14 and needing to excuse myself in the library. I closed the bathroom stall and masturbated– so horny. but was it for another or to satisfy a deep urge? and now… interesting. i am comfortable with not wanting that kind of connection. I desire another kind of connection. Today heard more about the massacre in Iraq. My desire to create real change is becoming quite … bodily, visceral. Ahhh the astrologers say we are in the age of sex and death. bodies. i am a massage therapist. i see bodies. i touch them. make them feel better. intimate profound touch that is non sexual. i massaged a lobbyist and a priest the other day. why am i doing this? this desire log. ah yes to feel connected whilst deconstructing my self. i want my desire to be connected to something greater– outside this room– outside this house– beyond this skin, walls, beyond my city, state, nation maybe even planet. I desire my log entries to be immediate raw and not over intellectualized, but i enjoy the self analysis of the others entries. the others– w, s, d, … others… hmm wouldn’t it be nice if i didn’t think of them as them as others if this desire log truly assists in the blurring of self and other???
So it’s now 11:42 and I’m sitting on my bed it’s finally cooled off outside and now inside– my desire for alone time has finally been met what are you guys desiring right now at this moment? Know so little about you. i bet these predictions end up being just more self projections — more projections of what i desire and not really what you desire since i know so little about my fellow bloggers. , but maybe my projections are shared?
w: desires sleep in fact he may be dreaming right now dreams that carry him closer to his desire. s desires not to have to go to work in the morning. d desires to not have to feel guilty about what ever it is he’s supposed to do but doesn’t want to do.